mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
