I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
