im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
