Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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