i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
