my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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