Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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