I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
