My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize