There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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