I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
