Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
