Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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