Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
