I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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