My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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