I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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