he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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