last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
