i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
