NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Two words: nipple clamps
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