Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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