This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
