Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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