i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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