i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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