Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
