I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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