i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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