I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
