dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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