we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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