so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
