Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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