Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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