Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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