does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
