forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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