I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
