i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
