captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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