Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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