I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
