I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize