i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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