90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
