just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
smell my finger.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
