Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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