I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
