I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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