Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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