just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
