I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
sarcasm needs its own font
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
