All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
