It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize