do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
