It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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