I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
